There is a strength that comes with the hunger. For so long, your disorder has convinced you that your hunger is a sign of progress. It means that you are fighting what most people cannot, therefore, you are special. And that’s all it is right? The disorder gives you an identity, it gives you something that is ‘yours’. You claim the eating disorder as your personality, your life, your soul. It becomes what you identify with. Soon, the disorder is all that is left. You no longer have your own personality, no interests, no life outside of the disorder.
But it doesn’t make you special. Having an eating disorder is not a genius personality characteristic to be admired. Sure, people show that they care more than they may have before, which is all fine and great, but they do not love you more than they did before. Instead, they are scared. They look upon you with terror, pity, and fear, and yes, love, but that was there to begin with, you just couldn’t see it.
Maybe that’s why recovery is so scary. There is a fear that when the disorder is no longer who you are, you won’t like what is underneath. With the eating disorder, who are you really? What defines you? What makes you, you?